Monday, December 17, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
third post of the day, tragic. but whatevs, "cyanide & happiness" is a web comic i've noticed before; have been browsing [read: procrastinating from researching my essay, due thursday] and thought my blog could use some brightening up. so, voila!
PS: i think rob is the best.
To those of you who laughed at me, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have cried.
To those of you who just couldn't love me, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have known real love.
To those of you who hurt my feelings, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have felt them.
To those of you who left me lonely, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have discovered myself.
But it is to those of you who thought I couldn't do it;
It is you I thank the most,
Because without you I wouldn't have tried.
this morning i joined young labour.
recently i have become more focused [slash concerned] with the world at large: not just my own insular one. i've found myself paying quite a bit of extra attention to politics, especially politics here in new zealand. next year is my very first opportunity to vote!! mega excited.
when i told my parents i had decided to join, i accidentally said national instead of labour... mum just about choked haha. oh how such slips of the tongue can turn into chaotic hilarity! the 3 of us laughed for seriously 10 minutes straight: what a joke! just imagine me voting for john key.
i'd rather see a government that at the end of the day is trying to do the best they can for all new zealanders than one that is looking to simply line the pockets of those who least need it, and then sell the country out to the bullies in the white house and canberra..
i'm quite looking forward to possibly becoming more active in it all: at the moment i've only registered, and am expecting an email from the dunedin branch soon. not sure if i will attend meetings etc straight away; in all honesty i don't have any specific knowledge of policy and would rather not sound like an uninformed cretin. will also be interesting to hear the views of people who actually share my ideologies for a change. i've been busy reading up on one of the links on the yl website [http://www.younglabour.org.nz/joomla/] to heads up, which briefly outlines all the policies of labour. but i'm not presumptuous enough at this stage to go to a meeting armed with an inadequate amount of information!
in other news, we have signed up for a flat for next year. i'm glad to get it all sorted even if it wasn't my first choice; unfortunately for me all the other ones seem to be snapped up already. fingers crossed i don't get stuck with a crappy room again!!
hmm what else do i have to report? still haven't made a start on my assignment. just not in the mood to focus at the moment. i don't know what else i can do to try and relax. i feel like my brain is going in 50 different directions at once.. i'm trying to stay out of the public eye for a wee bit so i don't lash out at anybody inappropriate, haha. attempting to breath deeply and all that jazz.
sometimes i wonder why i'm writing this as if anybody reads my blog. but i suppose that even writing to an imaginary audience is better than not writing at all. and at least it's thereapeutic; a form of expression i so desperately need, especially right now.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
listening to: 'hate on me' - jill scott
pardon me, what am i missing here? have i done something wrong??
people lament all of society's woes all the time. but what right do you have to do that when you do nothing about it when witnessing it firsthand? i REFUSE [note the double emphasis there] to be that person.
ultimately, we are all products of our parents. this year i have really thought about that a lot, and for the first time i realised it's true. being the daughter of two [relatively] liberal people, who are both able to articulate their opinions, i guess it was bound to happen. especially considering i seem to have inherited mum's emotional, stubborn side. which is a fault, i know. but at the end of the day, i am opinionated about doing the right thing - i have a social conscience. and i'm glad i have the knowledge that my parents are incredibly proud of that aspect of my personality, as was reiterated to me again today. and i'm glad i have that instilled in me. i won't ever change, because there has to be people who do care about what happens to people other than themselves. otherwise how bad would the world get? it's bad enough already.
i'm glad i'm not a complete fuckup: maybe sometimes i don't always do the right thing, and sometimes i'm bound to be wrong. but such a substantial part of myself is my belief in helping others, not just yourself. i know that on the surface i can appear to be pretty shallow, and i'm not even saying i'm this superhuman with a heart of gold. but i think i have a fairly good sense of right or wrong, and i'm also opinionated enough to voice it. i am not the kind of person who would sit back and watch somebody who is unable to stand up for themselves: if you can't stand up for yourself, people who can do it should.
this is just the same shit different day. there's nothing more that i, or anybody else - other than the two of them - can do about it. but for fucks sake, reality check time!!! everybody has days when they feel pretty low and down on themselves: but you should always know that you are worth more than that; and that behaviour like that is not normal or acceptable. although apparently to some people it is. and not just the people who do it: the people who accept it as well. is it because she thinks he doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him? just because they get back together every single time... that's not proof that he cares.
nobody likes to be alone. far out, reading over my last few entries that is certainly apparent! but would you not rather be alone, than be with someone who crushes what little self esteem you may have left? what kind of love is that? nothing is worth putting up with that. all these weak justifications that we heard last night... i had started crying as soon as we got to the bottom of the driveway, and didn't stop until balclutha. i can't handle even being there at the moment.
i know sometimes i am hyper emotional. i know sometimes i am not rational or logical. i know sometimes i am wrong. i know sometimes i make mistakes. i know sometimes people have to learn things themselves. but i also know that if the roles were reversed, my friend would do the same for me as i am trying to do for her now. because she is a good friend. and i'm trying to be.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
the audacity of some people boggles my mind sometimes. i was terrified last night; so scared i couldn't even move to get up and lock my bedroom door.
but then it turned into pure unadulterated rage!!
i just realised my last 3 posts have been about tv shows. how depressing!! i haven't even watched a crapload of television lately; i've been doing my freaking lab report all night [till i finished; then i devoured the new season hills on www.mtv.com]
brainwashed much? i need to find a man so i go to bed early for sexy times instead of watching mindless dribble!!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
another day that ends in me feeling frustrated, annoyed, irritated...
it's all these little petty things, which if it was somebody else wouldn't bother me at all. but i'm sick sick sick of dealing with this bullshit. people need to get real, grow a backbone, and stand up for themselves. and other people need to stop being so manipulative and sketchy.
what i wonder is, how people can let themselves be treated so badly. i can understand caring about somebody so much that you are scared of losing them, or not wanting to interfere if you see something happening to other people, but the fact is if you don't stand up for yourself, who will? part of being a valuable human being is having opinions, and another part of being a valuable human being is treating other people well. people who take pleasure in seeing other people suffer are certainly not people i have any time for.
as much as im over being single right now, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of the guys from my past. what is the point of being in a hurtful relationship? the way they have all eventually treated me just shows me that they aren't worth my time. there have been times when i thought i had met the right one, but in the end their true colours came out in full force - and they turned out to be just another retard. wherever the right guy for me is, i wouldn't find him if i was with one of the losers from earlier times. holding onto the wrong person just means missing the right one.
in other news, my exam timetable for this semester came out today. i have coms201 - theory of communication studies - on oct. 24; coms206 - history of media - on oct. 25; psyc112 - human thought & behaviour - on oct. 29. can you tell i'm super excited? i'm already waaay behind in my readings, therefore should definitely not be wasting my time blogging. but at this stage, there is nobody i can really talk to completely. there are too many little nuances in my personality that i regret showing to anybody, even if it was only one person. i guess these i am never really wholly honest with anybody other than myself. i guess i'm not even wholly honest in this blog. but it takes the edge of a bit.
i wonder what makes us feel completely comfortable with somebody? how do you know you've reached that point with someone? where even prolonged silence is a cozy place to be. you don't have to worry anymore about the reaction what you say will get, or if you do you know it won't change or effect anything too much. when do you get to a point when opening up is just some intrinsically natural thing to do? thus brings me to my chosen topic for todays blog: it reminds me of my most favourite satc quote:
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous".
And that, friends, romans, countrymen, is why carrie is the gospel.
ps: i bought those yellow heels i was talking about. cos, as carrie so wisely says, sometimes it's hard to walk in a woman's shoes - which is why we need super special ones sometimes. she really is one heck of a chick: bring on satc the movie 2008!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
how tragic is it that i know [well, could count] exactly how long it has been since i've been without? i get so frustrated with myself, but during that time i haven't learned how to switch anything off. maybe the feelings aren't as intense anymore, but the slightest contact with him can make my stomach drop. even seeing his stupid car anywhere: it just reminds me of the time when it was parked outside my house, every weekend without fail. and a conversation like the one we just had can leave me questioning the past, the present, the future.
our conversations are either one of two genres - 1: pretending/trying to be civil; or 2: fraught with anger and accusations. tonight's was the former. eventually the conversation veered towards our feelings about our past relationship.
i know this may seem to some as merely the ramblings of a spoiled, clingy ex girlfriend: but then i would ask you if you have ever truly been in this situation? where you have given so much of yourself to somebody else, where you have felt so safe and loved and content. and then to have it taken away abruptly. i didn't use the term love lightly, and i never will. i meant it every single time it left my lips. so where do these feelings go? especially if you find yourself unable to achieve that feeling with anybody else? or maybe you just don't let yourself. trust me, you can't judge me any more than i judge myself. and at least i know how this truly feels.
anyway. the conversation suddenly became me telling him that, despite the fact that we were so young at the time, i didn't appreciate him insinuating it didn't count. it lasted too long, and was too intense and involved, for it not to be counted. any relationship where you fall asleep on the phone together is no normal relationship, haha. in my book that counts! i pointed out that, knowing me the way he did, he should have realised that it would always mean something to me. and it always will. i'm the most romantic, sentimental, gooey person i know. try as i might since my brush with love ended, i can't get rid of that facet of my personality. i'm definitely not as naive anymore. but i will always be a romantic. and for me to know that our relationship, my first and only relationship, ended that badly was hard enough to deal with; for him to say something to the effect that it in retrospect it didn't matter to him was pretty shattering.
and then we talked a bit - a lot - more; with him saying he did care. when i told him it seemed like he didn't care much he said the reality was far from that. which to be honest was incredibly relieving to hear - sometimes the thought that he was maybe, lying alone at night, reminiscing fondly... sometimes that was all i could think of to reassure myself. the hurt that i felt and still occasionally feel is so crippling. i've learned to deal with it a lot better since then. no more stays in the hospital for me. the period of our demise was the hardest time i have ever had to go through, and not simply because of our breakup. the things i was dealing with at home were most definitely taking their toll on me, and to suddenly not have anybody there to help me get through all of that left me so alone.
i know we have both grown up, changed, tried to forget as much as possible. but even thinking now that there was a possibility none of it had meant anything to him i'm close to tears. it meant so much to me. too much, undoubtedly. but the way it ended has no effect on how i ultimately feel.
i wish i had been as lucky as him. i've never been able to find that kind of closeness and ensuing happiness again. still, i'm only 19, so no doubt i will eventually. but at this stage it kind of limits how "over it" i can get. i made the most of my singledom in my last year of high school. to be honest i kind of took that too far. skanking round is not what i'm looking for anymore. but it was what i needed at the time.
i feel so pathetic and lame. like honestly. it has been a very, very long time. but it was such a definitive part of my adolescence. hopefully my twenties will bring about a change. i'll be able to leave those definitions behind. and thankfully this epoch will be one in which i'm not as naive, lessons learned etcetera.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
i really am dreading going back up to the flat tomorrow. it's been a blast pretty much the whole year, but lately everything has just driven me crazy and it's turned me into this cranky irritable mess. i've done sweet f-all the ENTIRE time i've been home, and it's been insanely boring. but at least my sister has worked for a large portion of my time at home, thus reducing the amount of time i have had to deal with her. i'm super glad i've got my new laptop now: might spend as much time as humanly possible alone in my room, just me and my sweet sweet laptop. definitely looking forward to our flat next year.
tonight i was watching this tv show called hotel inspector. and the hotel being inspected - ha.ha. - had a really swish function room which they were trying to turn into like a really popular place for people to have wedding receptions. so, obviously, i was hooked!
the mere fact that i know that website - since the age of 14 - should tell you something. i am royally obsessed with weddings. my worst fear in life is to always be a bridesmaid, never the bride. and at the rate i'm going this fear will be realised. anyway, this show reminded me of the movie the wedding planner with j.ho in it. there is this one scene that really resonated with me: she's planned this incredibly lush, romantic wedding... and then she goes home to her meal-for-one and turns back the covers of one side of her bed.
last night i was talking to tim about the possibility of going to brisbane next year. i would really love to, for obvious reasons: but i'm only gonna go if i'm skinny. wouldn't want to go over there unless i could show something off in a bikini for jade, haha. speaking of which, i haven't stuck to my diet AT ALL the entire time i've been home. oh well... if i don't buy the naughty foods in dunedin, then i won't have them to eat. problem solved.
anyway, brisbane next year would be super rad. damo & jade live in an apartment right in the middle of the city, and even if we went in winter it would still be hot enough for us invercargillites! not sure how it would work though, if i was the only girl with a bunch of guys. however, i am planning on being hot enough to attract the attention of one of them. but we'll see how i go.
just thought i would write a wee ditty... sorry the content is so worthless, oops!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
new york, usa
ireland [in general, but especially dublin & county kerry]
rwanda [in general, to do volunteer work]
- costa rica [in general]
- savannah, usa
i'm in a very list-ish mood tonight. so here's another one:
top 10 things i love right now
this pair of yellow patent leather open toed wedges that i saw... will buy them asap
the colour orange [but then again, when am i not an advocate for orange??]
big sunglasses as usual
the fact that there are new posts on http://community.livejournal.com/foto_decadent
pantene hair masks
the ending in 'harry potter & the deathly hallows'
well kids i'm out! kisses
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash
well my old laptop has completely crapped out [for the millionth time] and i had finally managed to convince my parents to let me put a new one on hire purchase. so i had sussed out a sweet deal for a lappy and a printer, since i don't have one, and dad and i went to the store to go get it this morning. but then my dad got all huffy bout how he had to fill in like an income thing since he was my guarantor. which i thought was pretty lame cos it's not like he doesn't earn much money and was embarassed or anything.
so then we went home in silence... i was fully not impressed. i didn't know how he was expecting me to do all my university assignments etc if i didn't have a working laptop. so then i stomped up to my room.. i was in such a rage, cos i'm just so frustrated. my old laptop has had sooo many issues with it, i basically haven't even had a working laptop for the 2 years i've been at university. it just had a spazz whenever it felt like it - and it was almost always around the time i had a ton of assignments due!
so i went up to my room all angry and whatevs and being the hyperemotional brat i am, i threw heaps of books and crap round my room. and like threw my shoes at the wall.
i know i'm just being a spoiled wee dork, but i don't care. it worked anyway.
Monday, August 6, 2007
listening to: 'stay'- lisa loeb
late last night, while making a futile attempt to spruce up my page layout - as a sidenote, can anybody help me with this? - i found the most amazing website of my life. i spent hours and hours on it..
i love everything fashionable, and i love avant-garde, and i love photography. so finding foto decadent, a community on livejournal, was like finding a life source or something. i have barely looked through a minute amount of the stuff thats on there, and i'm hooked. now, back to scouring f.d for more!
i thought i would share a few of the pictures that have captured my attention so far. hopefully this works.
ps: yay it did!