Sunday, August 19, 2007

is this deja vu or what?

listening to: 'hate on me' - jill scott

pardon me, what am i missing here? have i done something wrong??

people lament all of society's woes all the time. but what right do you have to do that when you do nothing about it when witnessing it firsthand? i REFUSE [note the double emphasis there] to be that person.

ultimately, we are all products of our parents. this year i have really thought about that a lot, and for the first time i realised it's true. being the daughter of two [relatively] liberal people, who are both able to articulate their opinions, i guess it was bound to happen. especially considering i seem to have inherited mum's emotional, stubborn side. which is a fault, i know. but at the end of the day, i am opinionated about doing the right thing - i have a social conscience. and i'm glad i have the knowledge that my parents are incredibly proud of that aspect of my personality, as was reiterated to me again today. and i'm glad i have that instilled in me. i won't ever change, because there has to be people who do care about what happens to people other than themselves. otherwise how bad would the world get? it's bad enough already.

i'm glad i'm not a complete fuckup: maybe sometimes i don't always do the right thing, and sometimes i'm bound to be wrong. but such a substantial part of myself is my belief in helping others, not just yourself. i know that on the surface i can appear to be pretty shallow, and i'm not even saying i'm this superhuman with a heart of gold. but i think i have a fairly good sense of right or wrong, and i'm also opinionated enough to voice it. i am not the kind of person who would sit back and watch somebody who is unable to stand up for themselves: if you can't stand up for yourself, people who can do it should.

this is just the same shit different day. there's nothing more that i, or anybody else - other than the two of them - can do about it. but for fucks sake, reality check time!!! everybody has days when they feel pretty low and down on themselves: but you should always know that you are worth more than that; and that behaviour like that is not normal or acceptable. although apparently to some people it is. and not just the people who do it: the people who accept it as well. is it because she thinks he doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him? just because they get back together every single time... that's not proof that he cares.

nobody likes to be alone. far out, reading over my last few entries that is certainly apparent! but would you not rather be alone, than be with someone who crushes what little self esteem you may have left? what kind of love is that? nothing is worth putting up with that. all these weak justifications that we heard last night... i had started crying as soon as we got to the bottom of the driveway, and didn't stop until balclutha. i can't handle even being there at the moment.

i know sometimes i am hyper emotional. i know sometimes i am not rational or logical. i know sometimes i am wrong. i know sometimes i make mistakes. i know sometimes people have to learn things themselves. but i also know that if the roles were reversed, my friend would do the same for me as i am trying to do for her now. because she is a good friend. and i'm trying to be.

No comments: