Thursday, August 16, 2007

is it just me...

listening to: 'little razorblade' - the pink spiders

or do you ever catch yourself inwardly nodding as you watch tv, listen to a song...

i guess it's because there are only a limited amount of emotions we can feel. jealousy, despair, happiness, grief, contentedness, suspicion[whatever else i've missed. obviously this isn't an exhaustive list of emotions people!!] . i think sometimes easier to relate to an experience or feeling expressed by somebody else than it is to feel completely alone and misunderstood.

i've just watched the first 2 episodes of the hills - season 3. actually, i'm waiting for the last half of the 2nd episode to load. pop culture rocks my damned socks. team L.C bitch! ANYWAY the point i would like to make is this: lauren & lo are talking right, and they are saying something about how there always seems to be this one guy who you keep going back to, no matter how bad they have treated you in the past and so forth. and then lc said something that really resonated with me: that every girl wants to be the girl who changes that one guy's wicked ways. lc says everyone can change, as long as the right person comes along; and every girl wants to be the one girl that can do that.

i immediately thought of my own version of that guy. since b. and i broke up, i've gotten with this guy more times than i can count. well okay so that's extreme hyperbole; but it hasn't been just a one night thing. he txtd me again the other day, which tbh was the first time in awhile. and i realised that whenever i think of him, i kind of drift off into a daydream about being that girl. the one that he would wanna change for. it kind of sounds like he's changed, or at least trying to, but the thing is it hasn't been for me - he's living with his girlfriend!! so why is he still texting me? i don't know if he can change.. and it's like lo said to lauren: why do girls look for a guy to change? why don't they wanna be with the guy who is good already?

and i agree with what lc said back to that: that's too easy.
but then i wonder if that really is true. because i'm finding it pretty freaking hard to find one who is GOOD. i'm done with all the a-holes of the world! i feel like i've met a substantial portion of them. i definitely feel like i've had my fair share of bad guys, and that it's time for some good times.. so is finding the right guy as hard as i think? or is there some part of me that overlooks the right guy and instead chooses the one who i subconsciously know is not going to change for me? can i just never be the girl that changes him? am i not good enough, do i not have that talent? i once read somewhere, where [a male, of course] wrote that there are two types of girls: girls made to marry and girls made for fun. imagine if i was destined to be the latter, for the rest of my life. imagine if i never fall in love again. i'm in love with love; but what if that's all i get to be in love with?

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