listening to - 'you made a fool of me': india.arie
how tragic is it that i know [well, could count] exactly how long it has been since i've been without? i get so frustrated with myself, but during that time i haven't learned how to switch anything off. maybe the feelings aren't as intense anymore, but the slightest contact with him can make my stomach drop. even seeing his stupid car anywhere: it just reminds me of the time when it was parked outside my house, every weekend without fail. and a conversation like the one we just had can leave me questioning the past, the present, the future.
our conversations are either one of two genres - 1: pretending/trying to be civil; or 2: fraught with anger and accusations. tonight's was the former. eventually the conversation veered towards our feelings about our past relationship.
i know this may seem to some as merely the ramblings of a spoiled, clingy ex girlfriend: but then i would ask you if you have ever truly been in this situation? where you have given so much of yourself to somebody else, where you have felt so safe and loved and content. and then to have it taken away abruptly. i didn't use the term love lightly, and i never will. i meant it every single time it left my lips. so where do these feelings go? especially if you find yourself unable to achieve that feeling with anybody else? or maybe you just don't let yourself. trust me, you can't judge me any more than i judge myself. and at least i know how this truly feels.
anyway. the conversation suddenly became me telling him that, despite the fact that we were so young at the time, i didn't appreciate him insinuating it didn't count. it lasted too long, and was too intense and involved, for it not to be counted. any relationship where you fall asleep on the phone together is no normal relationship, haha. in my book that counts! i pointed out that, knowing me the way he did, he should have realised that it would always mean something to me. and it always will. i'm the most romantic, sentimental, gooey person i know. try as i might since my brush with love ended, i can't get rid of that facet of my personality. i'm definitely not as naive anymore. but i will always be a romantic. and for me to know that our relationship, my first and only relationship, ended that badly was hard enough to deal with; for him to say something to the effect that it in retrospect it didn't matter to him was pretty shattering.
and then we talked a bit - a lot - more; with him saying he did care. when i told him it seemed like he didn't care much he said the reality was far from that. which to be honest was incredibly relieving to hear - sometimes the thought that he was maybe, lying alone at night, reminiscing fondly... sometimes that was all i could think of to reassure myself. the hurt that i felt and still occasionally feel is so crippling. i've learned to deal with it a lot better since then. no more stays in the hospital for me. the period of our demise was the hardest time i have ever had to go through, and not simply because of our breakup. the things i was dealing with at home were most definitely taking their toll on me, and to suddenly not have anybody there to help me get through all of that left me so alone.
i know we have both grown up, changed, tried to forget as much as possible. but even thinking now that there was a possibility none of it had meant anything to him i'm close to tears. it meant so much to me. too much, undoubtedly. but the way it ended has no effect on how i ultimately feel.
i wish i had been as lucky as him. i've never been able to find that kind of closeness and ensuing happiness again. still, i'm only 19, so no doubt i will eventually. but at this stage it kind of limits how "over it" i can get. i made the most of my singledom in my last year of high school. to be honest i kind of took that too far. skanking round is not what i'm looking for anymore. but it was what i needed at the time.
i feel so pathetic and lame. like honestly. it has been a very, very long time. but it was such a definitive part of my adolescence. hopefully my twenties will bring about a change. i'll be able to leave those definitions behind. and thankfully this epoch will be one in which i'm not as naive, lessons learned etcetera.