Tuesday, March 4, 2008

mentally moving on?

listening to: 'walking on broken glass' - annie lennox
i love them all, and appreciate everything that they have offered me.
but i can picture myself moving on, away from, some people i hang out with these days.

is that a really snotty thing to say? i don't know. i just feel like i'm kind of expanding, or trying to expand anyway (haha although not literally, actually my diet and exercise regime has been much much stricter the past week or so, go me!!). i'm not saying i like hate my friends and want or need to get away from them or anything!! but i just feel like i'm not the REAL me around some of them. a lot of the time anyway. there are elements of the real me that shine through, but it's not the full picture. i think everybody sees me as a one-dimensional person, and i don't see myself that way at all.

i have so many interests and ideas, and while they are generally centred around the same basic idea or principle they are varied and eclectic. even my music taste shows how random and broad my likes are. i can listen to basically anything and find something beautiful in it; even if i don't like it, i generally appreciate it. or parts of it. and i'd like to find some friends like that. i like to have different kinds of friends, so i can be challenged/entertained/whatever in different ways.

and i'd like some friends who appreciated the whole me - even if they didn't like the same things as me, or agree with me all the time. i don't want a circle of monochromatic friends who think and behave in the exact same way as i do. i want to be able to talk about fashion, politics, music, ideology. i want to be able to talk about books, and movies that don't revolve around toilet humour. some of my friends know about my blog; and sometimes i feel like an outsider simply for having one. trust me, not everything is as trivial as that. just idle comments and ignorance has really been wearing me down lately. it's ridiculous that i can't feel like myself around the people who are supposedly closest to me.

my life at the moment is just same shit different day. although it's not so bad now: my classes are super intriguing, and i'm enjoying them alot. i like living with the people i live with, but other than that i'm just not sure i share anything in common with many of friends other than our usual weekend debauchery. it's not particularly multi-faceted.

humph. maybe it's just tuesday-itis. is this just a slump, or a fully fledged rut? i am undecided.

1 comment:

courtney said...

first: thanks for the comment on 20sb! i just stopped by for the first time, and I love your blog too!

second: i have felt like this. i think i'm lucky enough to have a pretty good sense of the people i can truly be myself around, but i stumble around that sometimes too. it's a blessing and a curse, because i make really great individual friends, but find it hard to fall in with an actual group of girls. going out dancing or to dinner or just watching movies can be awkward because i feel like i have to put on some sort of act to be around my friends' other friends... do you know what I mean?

of course you do:)

really though, it's a matter of being restless and probably of growing up. people grow apart... and it's not to say you can't continue being friends, but you might find closer friends elsewhere...

good luck:)