whoa.

listening to: 'hero' - nas feat. keri hilson

my last post was on april 18?! that is a super long hiatus, even for me! apologies to anyone who commented on earlier posts and found me lacking the response department - forgive me!

as always i don't really have anything of interest to report; my life has been uni work sleep eat drink. and again as always some of those things were of a higher priority than others. passed all my exams though, which was super. even managed to get myself an a- on my 200 level pols paper, which despite the AWFUL lecturer was my favourite of last semester's papers. it was political communication, so very media/politics focused which was right up my alley.

last semester was really tough for me. it was the first semester where i have worked and studied, and it seems so lazy and spoiled to say so but i found it really hard. maybe if i didnt loathe my job so much it would be better, but i do so its not a barrel of laughs. i wasn't really enjoying my living situation either: it was weird, because i like the people i live with, but i've been feeling really distant and isolated. one of the hardest things to deal with after losing mum was the feeling that there was nobody who would listen, understand, care unconditionally. so i've been keeping a lot to myself, and it definitely eats away at me. maybe this semester i'll turn here more, so don't be surprised if a lot of my posts are random thought posts rather than anything trendy. knowing that other peoples lives move forward while mine is simultaneously so stuck is hard to deal with, and makes me really jealous and titchy. it just seems unfair; but the situation itself is a big pile of unfairness. if that makes sense.

my dad, younger sister and i went on holiday at the end of the semester. a week in vanuatu; the thought was the only thing that kept me anywhere near 'sanity' during the semester. while it wasn't always bliss, it was fantastic to get away and relax. we all needed it! the weather wasn't that flash, and i cut my foot on this massive rock on the beach and couldnt walk for two days! but other than that it was rad haha. the people were lovely and friendly, it was nice and warm, the scenery was so beautiful, and all the fresh fruit and fish was delish!

and now im back here in dunedin. last week was the first week of classes, and last night was possibly the last ever all blacks game at carisbrook! i was so happy i got a ticket... it was my first all blacks game! we were playing south africa, and we blimming lost! 30-28. i was gutted... but then we went and got drunk and hit town. had a great time... it was cranking! i stayed out until about 4:30 i think. i came home with a guy from back in invercargill... we have a bit of a history. actually, understatement. i've been sleeping with him sporadically since 7th form. kind of different now, considering he has a girlfriend. i feel really sleazy and guilty, as i should. but at the same time, he is the only guy i've ever been with who hasn't hurt me. it's so selfish and horrible of me, and i'm sure karma will keep kicking my ass because of it. a couple of my flatmates have let me know they aren't impressed at all, and i'm sure there are people reading this whose opinion of me just took a massive nosedive. but the need to have a guy, just for one night, who sleeps next to you and is there in the morning and who holds your hand as you cross a street is something that has been eating away at me for so long. i've been lonely for so long! and i know how bad it is of me to fill that need with a some other girl's boyfriend. but even though i feel guilty, i don't feel as guilty as i should. their relationship obviously doesn't mean that much to her either, as she has cheated before, but i don't like the fact that i'm that girl. it makes me feel super sleazy... but i know deep down that i'd do it again.

no other news. will be back again, as soon as i have something post worthy.