whoa.

listening to: 'hero' - nas feat. keri hilson

my last post was on april 18?! that is a super long hiatus, even for me! apologies to anyone who commented on earlier posts and found me lacking the response department - forgive me!

as always i don't really have anything of interest to report; my life has been uni work sleep eat drink. and again as always some of those things were of a higher priority than others. passed all my exams though, which was super. even managed to get myself an a- on my 200 level pols paper, which despite the AWFUL lecturer was my favourite of last semester's papers. it was political communication, so very media/politics focused which was right up my alley.

last semester was really tough for me. it was the first semester where i have worked and studied, and it seems so lazy and spoiled to say so but i found it really hard. maybe if i didnt loathe my job so much it would be better, but i do so its not a barrel of laughs. i wasn't really enjoying my living situation either: it was weird, because i like the people i live with, but i've been feeling really distant and isolated. one of the hardest things to deal with after losing mum was the feeling that there was nobody who would listen, understand, care unconditionally. so i've been keeping a lot to myself, and it definitely eats away at me. maybe this semester i'll turn here more, so don't be surprised if a lot of my posts are random thought posts rather than anything trendy. knowing that other peoples lives move forward while mine is simultaneously so stuck is hard to deal with, and makes me really jealous and titchy. it just seems unfair; but the situation itself is a big pile of unfairness. if that makes sense.

my dad, younger sister and i went on holiday at the end of the semester. a week in vanuatu; the thought was the only thing that kept me anywhere near 'sanity' during the semester. while it wasn't always bliss, it was fantastic to get away and relax. we all needed it! the weather wasn't that flash, and i cut my foot on this massive rock on the beach and couldnt walk for two days! but other than that it was rad haha. the people were lovely and friendly, it was nice and warm, the scenery was so beautiful, and all the fresh fruit and fish was delish!

and now im back here in dunedin. last week was the first week of classes, and last night was possibly the last ever all blacks game at carisbrook! i was so happy i got a ticket... it was my first all blacks game! we were playing south africa, and we blimming lost! 30-28. i was gutted... but then we went and got drunk and hit town. had a great time... it was cranking! i stayed out until about 4:30 i think. i came home with a guy from back in invercargill... we have a bit of a history. actually, understatement. i've been sleeping with him sporadically since 7th form. kind of different now, considering he has a girlfriend. i feel really sleazy and guilty, as i should. but at the same time, he is the only guy i've ever been with who hasn't hurt me. it's so selfish and horrible of me, and i'm sure karma will keep kicking my ass because of it. a couple of my flatmates have let me know they aren't impressed at all, and i'm sure there are people reading this whose opinion of me just took a massive nosedive. but the need to have a guy, just for one night, who sleeps next to you and is there in the morning and who holds your hand as you cross a street is something that has been eating away at me for so long. i've been lonely for so long! and i know how bad it is of me to fill that need with a some other girl's boyfriend. but even though i feel guilty, i don't feel as guilty as i should. their relationship obviously doesn't mean that much to her either, as she has cheated before, but i don't like the fact that i'm that girl. it makes me feel super sleazy... but i know deep down that i'd do it again.

no other news. will be back again, as soon as i have something post worthy.

nothing fits

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.

For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures

and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.

- Francis Bacon

for the first time in a long time

listening to: 'grace is gone' - dave matthews band

sorry i haven't been keeping up with the posts in awhile. i have had so much work to do for uni that i've barely had time to browse blogs myself, let alone actually write one. although to be honest part of my lack of writing is because i am still on a bit of a downbuzz, and didn't really want to bore you further.

i don't have too much to write about, except i wanted to post some pictures of my new guess clutch! a dear dear friend of my mum's was here in dunedin last weekend for her son's basketball tournament, and she took me out to lunch. it was lovely to see her - it was nice to be able to talk to somebody about mum. i'm missing her so much. all i want is to be able to just ring her and tell her how shitty my days have been lately. i feel so alone up here. i've basically been sitting alone in my room at random intervals listening to a playlist i made on my ipod, crying and staring at the last birthday card mum ever gave me.

but back to my story. rosey and i had lunch at a wee cafe and then had a bit of a browse in some shops. we were in andrea biani, and she was choosing a new handbag to buy for herself - just to interrupt: lipstick red, beautiful hand-tooled embossed leather. it's soo soft, and basically i was drooling - when i happened to mention how pretty i thought this silver clutch was. i was browsing through the shoes while rosey was paying for her bag, and when she turned around she had bought me the purse! i didn't know what to say... on one hand i feel super awful, because it was $65! but on the other, i wasn't going to turn down a guess clutch lol.

so here's a snap... hope you love it as much as i do!! sorry my photography skillz are below par; way below par. it's next to my balenciaga motorcycle bag, which i got online. therefore i'm not sure of it's authenticity... but i loved it anyway! i broke the zip tho :(

mentally moving on?

listening to: 'walking on broken glass' - annie lennox

i love them all, and appreciate everything that they have offered me.
but i can picture myself moving on, away from, some people i hang out with these days.

is that a really snotty thing to say? i don't know. i just feel like i'm kind of expanding, or trying to expand anyway (haha although not literally, actually my diet and exercise regime has been much much stricter the past week or so, go me!!). i'm not saying i like hate my friends and want or need to get away from them or anything!! but i just feel like i'm not the REAL me around some of them. a lot of the time anyway. there are elements of the real me that shine through, but it's not the full picture. i think everybody sees me as a one-dimensional person, and i don't see myself that way at all.

i have so many interests and ideas, and while they are generally centred around the same basic idea or principle they are varied and eclectic. even my music taste shows how random and broad my likes are. i can listen to basically anything and find something beautiful in it; even if i don't like it, i generally appreciate it. or parts of it. and i'd like to find some friends like that. i like to have different kinds of friends, so i can be challenged/entertained/whatever in different ways.

and i'd like some friends who appreciated the whole me - even if they didn't like the same things as me, or agree with me all the time. i don't want a circle of monochromatic friends who think and behave in the exact same way as i do. i want to be able to talk about fashion, politics, music, ideology. i want to be able to talk about books, and movies that don't revolve around toilet humour. some of my friends know about my blog; and sometimes i feel like an outsider simply for having one. trust me, not everything is as trivial as that. just idle comments and ignorance has really been wearing me down lately. it's ridiculous that i can't feel like myself around the people who are supposedly closest to me.

my life at the moment is just same shit different day. although it's not so bad now: my classes are super intriguing, and i'm enjoying them alot. i like living with the people i live with, but other than that i'm just not sure i share anything in common with many of friends other than our usual weekend debauchery. it's not particularly multi-faceted.

humph. maybe it's just tuesday-itis. is this just a slump, or a fully fledged rut? i am undecided.

the most mixed bag of mixed bags

listening to: 'home again' - shihad

i am in such a crud mood tonight (but i'm not getting into all that), so i thought blogging might cheer me up a bit. apologies for the lack of posts recently - we have had serious issues with our wireless here in the flat! big-time grr.

so first of all, this song is awesome. quintessential kiwi rock, what's better? get thee to itunes if you don't know this song and see what i'm raving about. shihad are basically the most famous kiwi band of my generation, and it's for good reason. i saw them live in 7th form - we roadtripped up from invercargill to dunedin, it was awesome - and they were frikkin rad. i hadn't been that into them before that trip, but i was definitely converted. i have been on such a kiwi music buzz lately... i just seriously can't stop listening to shapies!

still on the kiwi vibe, i've been meaning to mention my favouritest magazine ever in the whole entire world. yes yes i know mags like nylon, paper, zink & stuff are pretty damn sweet, but it's so different - in an incredibly nice way!! - to have such a polished fashion/streetstyle/beauty/lifestyle magazine targeted towards a new zealand market, as until the happy day i stumbled across it in whitcoulls i had raised myself on a steady diet of australian vogue (where everything was beyond my means, and aimed at an older audience) and the odd harpers bazaar, as well as fashion quarterly (new zealand based, but again for the older reader). my magazine purchases were devoid of anything really relevant to ME. oh, except for one aussie nylon i managed to procure: it was super hard to find. so thank you karen magazine!! the editorials are amazing, the content is brill, and it's basically everything i could ever want.. sadly 'tis only published biannually. while it's not quite as street-style-ish as, for example, russh, it's the closest magazine to focus on my demographic that actually satisfies my desires and requirements for what i could class as a great magazine. hopefully it gradually incorporates more and more street style, as there is definitely a niche market out there that would lap up a magazine that fuses high fashion and fashion reality.

so what else should i yarn about? i tried to create some ombre tights before i came up to dunedin but they really didn't work, so i gave up. i figure by the time i get it right they will no longer be uber cool. i attempted creating them in both violet and navy, and was so sad that they didn't turn out successfully. i have a real thing for each of those colours right now. the weather is getting cooler already, and i can envisage a winter where i'm pairing my standard blacks and greys with suitably soft, slightly washed out hues of purple and blue.. grey, mauve and a splice of electric blue to jazz things up a bit is a colour combo haunting my many daydreams lately. a mauve leotard under a pair of highwaisted grey wool pants... delicious!! pairing it with a peacoat would be like an ensemble chrysallis... the changing shape & layers would be pretty cool. would the chrysallis analogy or an anology comparing it to those russian dolls that have the little dolls inside them be more striking? what are those dolls even called anyway?

a developing interest for me is a kind of touristy, postcard-like aesthetic. while i was browsing fashion156.com i was taken by a shot from the central st martin's show at lfw. it wasn't specifically an example of that tourist-kitsch idea but the colour combo is a snapshot of what i've been picturing in my mind: teal, a slightly darker blue (but not quite navy), yellow, white & a wee hint of beige. try and spot it here: top row. if i was a creative whizz i'd quite fancy whipping up a lipstick red tulip skirt with a cinched waist and a built-in apron thingee overtop (i've been lusting over aprons for some time now) in a printed fabric of like an old village on the mediterranean or something. my vision includes whitewashed buildings, terracotta rooves, sparkling pop of colour via beautiful blue seas.. by the way, i don't mean kind of a faux-apron either; i mean one with like actual little pockets reminiscent of a stepford wife.

do you know what my favourite thing is since becoming a bit more involved (or compulsive, you choose) with fashion? it's the amount of "rules" i have seen broken. i went to an all-girls school for awhile, i'm from a relatively well-to-do family (at least by nz standards, we're absolutely not even close when it comes to international standards), i've always had impeccable manners - aside from the occassional lapse. therefore, my modus operandi was always that i knew what was acceptable or "right". if i had heard about people wearing tights with open toed shoes, i would have been HORRIFIED. like, literally horrified. or mixing prints - GASP O RAMA!! but now i've seen it, visually experienced it, and amazingly i actually appreciate it. every site i click onto has at least one girl wearing a pair of grey tights with chunky beige platform sandals - open toed sandals. and someone - male or female - mixing either two different plaids, or stripes and a bold abstract print. i think i mentioned previously a girl i saw when i came back to dunedin? wearing polka dots and abstract? it was when we were waiting at the lights, and i was super relieved i was wearing my sunglasses cos i just couldn't look away! i had to take her outfit in, it was that good. if i wasn't so self-conscious i would absolutely love to do what the people behind the likes of the sartorialist do: take photos of people whose outfits catch their eye, inspire them, make them swoon. dunedin is really different from my hometown of invercargill in the sense that, being an academic hub, there are quite a few really arty, creative people; the array of outfits is sometimes quite striking. also, being a bigger town it isn't as close minded. back home, all the girls - myself included - wear basically the same thing, minus a couple variations. it's just the way things are. sure there are clones here too. i think i've mentioned that before. the girls who dress the same here are more noticeable than home - here, they really wear the SAME standard outfit of grey skinnies, black puffer, knee high boots - but it's diluted by all the randoms who rock different looks. i really need to find a job, as i'm running out of money fast and i need to be able to feed my growing love for vintage and my yearning to create all the ideas floating around inside this crazy little head of mine... yes that's right, i'm so broke i can't even op-shop! right now i'm a fashion afficianado with nothing to wear.

headbands. been a pretty major fad for at least a couple of seasons now, and one that i was definitely a fan of. but right now, rather than the preppy school-girl styles that i had previously been all over like a rash i'm really digging the flapper-style ones popping up on street style websites and online chain stores alike. i like the skinny ones as seen on the queen of cool kids (in my book at least) susie bubble - mixed with a slightly messy, exaggerated-volume 'do. but my real love is for the ones with ornate detailing: feathers, sequins, feathers AND sequins. even just a massive bow attached to a headband makes me all shivery - but they have to be worn just so. the great gatsby is a permanant fixture on my all-time-greats mental list of books (and later, movies), both for the story and the costumes alike. and the roaring 20's is one of my favourite eras, for a number of misc reasons, not least of all the clothes. i went to a halloween party when i was 12 - halloween isn't big here so it was kind of a memorable event - and i remember i hired this amazing dusky pink flapper dress with a lace overlay (prada aw09 style) and feathers down the bottom from the repatory society. surprise surprise, i topped it off with a silk headband with yet another feather. check out my selection/variations...

well my friends, i'm done. that's all folks! i'm off to sleep, gotta be fresh for the part-ay we're hosting tomorrow night. bring on saturday!

ps i want a shirt dress so bad. stark white.

bored, and hanging at the flat by myself

listening to: 'sandstorm' - darude

so insanely bored, lonely and cranky right now.

that is all.

i'll tell you what i want, what i really really want

listening to: 'electric dream' - shapeshifter

so, i had my first night back in dunedin. and last night was my first night of o-week '08 back in dunedin. i had the most amazing time; it was fantastic. town was crazy packed but i was so munted i didn't even care. usually i hate when it's that cramped but i was just having such a good time jamming on the dancefloor (especially to this song! ahh) that i didn't even care. until my feet literally started to bleed and i had to go home haha. oh and that reminds me, sadly my favourite going out shoes - i posted pics of them, they are black satin kitten heels with wee diamante thingees - broke!! i was so sad. and i was walking around the monkey bar with my shoe flapping on the floor. i must have looked a right mess. but ANYWAY.

what i wanted to actually write about was my incredible urge right now for a shrunken navy blazer. with gold buttons. i'm going to have to go check out some op shops for one, but i am going to be picky about it because i don't want one that isn't perfect.

anyway i have to go now because my friend tim & i are going to watch the godfather 2 on dvd now... and he is reading this and rolling his eyes! so i'll stop my little ramble there.

ps tim wants me to say he's hot. but really he's ok... may post pics, but only if they are suitably embarassing and drunken.

au revoir!!

a late new years resolution

listening to: "future baby mama" - prince

firstly yay for amy winehouse! not only is she looking a heck of a lot better than in past weeks, she also deservingly took out both album & record of the year at the grammys! she is one of my absolute favourite artists; its slightly embarassing to admit it but i am a HUUUGE mariah fan (ever since i was 6. i can't just let her go, whether you disapprove or not) and will probably never rate anybody over her. but amy winehouse comes close, very close. i've yet to watch her satellite performance on youtube, but no doubt it will be stunning. hopefully one of her resolutions this year was to keep off the crack: sure she lapsed, but we've got a bit of progress people!

speaking of resolutions, i've never really made them. i know in my head what i want to achieve each year, though i rarely do. not the biggies anyway. but tonight i was inspired whilst browsing i want big hair, a blog i stumbled upon earlier this evening. this girl is only 15 and yet she looks pretty handy with her singer!! my mum was an amazing seamstress - she made my ball gown in 7th form - and we still have ALL of her sewing gear: instead of just (somehow) getting rid of it, i've decided i want to inherit it, and hopefully eventually i also inherit her craftiness. i can never REALLY find clothes that i am absolutely in love with, so now this way maybe i can make them!

hopefully this isn't a completely ridiculous idea. you don't know this, but i am really not good at stuff like sewing. i always have grandiose visions, and then when it comes time to actually produce something it all gets shot to pieces, be it a painting or whatever. when i was third form we had to do a woodworking module for a whole dreary term, and the teacher told me that the jigsaw puzzle i attempted to make was the worst he had ever seen. and he had been teaching for quite some time.

i think the first thing i would attempt would be a skirt. it LOOKS simple enough... right? i had a friend who once made a skirt entirely of ties, and it wasn't bad. hey or maybe i could make a scarf!! all i'd have to get is a bit of fabric! a PREEEEEEETTY bit of fabric. i could make many scarves. i could be a scarf-making queen. gee whiz this is going to be grand. or is it just fuelling my ever-growing, bordering-on-the-unhealthy obsession?

dammit, i'm still stuck at work and i can hear the sex and the city theme song coming on... since i work at a newspaper, the tv in the newsroom is always tuned to the late night news broadcast when i'm at work. and satc reruns are on after that on monday nights. GRRRRRR. i don't usually work mondays, thankfully, but i jumped at the chance for extra hours since this is my last week of work. have i mentioned that? i head back to dunedin for university on friday morning. i have course approval the following monday, then it's crazy orientation ("o-week") week and then back to class. looking forward to being with my friends. looking forward to moving into my new flat. but not looking forward to actually living in dunedin again. i'm going to miss dad & renee like crazy, and i'm gonna be sick with worry over them. but i guess it will all work out in the end.

anyway, wish me luck - for both of my endeavours!!

20: not off to a good start

listening to: 'new soul ' - yael naïm

last night was pretty much awful... i think i really need to talk to someone objective, because i don't talk to anyone and then everything i bottle up just comes out when i'm drunk and i make a big mess of things. dad asked me once if i wanted to talk to a grief counsellor but i kind of just brushed it aside and we haven't mentioned it again. but i think it's gotten a bit out of hand; i don't want to keep taking the way i feel out on my friends. it must be pretty bad if i can't even enjoy myself with them anymore, but lately i've been having crappy nights more than i've been having good nights.

this is a bit of a downer really! will post again later tonight... right now i can't even think of anything remotely interesting to say.

goodbye childhood...

listening to: '18 till i die' - bryan adams

ok so i'm not 18 anymore... and i'm almost not 19 anymore. 4 more minutes and i'll enter a different age bracket.

so depressed right now!

birthday birthday birthday!!

listening to: 'chasing pavements' - adele

no it's not my birthday yet, but it's getting close! only a week to go. so this is my very last week of being a teenager.

i'm pretty much terrified of turning 20; quarter-life crisis much? just thinking about it makes my stomache feel hollow. i think i'm suffering from a case of peter pan syndrome... and as the big 2-0 draws ever nearer i'm getting more and more anxious. does this mean i have to grow up now? be responsible? stop laughing at the word uranus?

the christmas of 2006 was my first 'grownup' christmas. instead of fun stuff, like a pink bike with streamers on the handlebars or even a pink cellphone, i got a new duvet. sheets. towels. an electric jug. etc. ok whatever, i needed them in preparation for my first year of flatting (blah blah blaaaaaaaaah), but Yawn. note the capital Y. so, the christmas of 2006 was kind of a wakeup call for me. all my life, i've been the kind of person who has been all "i can't wait for when...". when i was 10 i couldn't wait to be 13. when i was 13 i couldn't wait to be 16. when i was 16 i couldn't wait to be 18. but it's all been downhill from there folks! impending adulthood is drawing ever so close.

but since some of my girlfriends gave me a copy of the secret at my joint birthday bash with kim, i'm trying to be positive about entering my 20s. it means i'm closer to finishing uni and actually getting a job; in turn i'm closer to being able to buy all the clothes that have been out of my broke student reach.

i'm also hoping that i can at least start TRYING to leave behind the whole sheep mentality that seems to mark adolescence: maybe now i will have more confidence in myself as a person, and will focus more on being who i really am rather than being one of the crowd.

one thing i have noticed about university is the whole clique thing. i thought we all left that behind in high school, but apparently not. the only thing im not looking forward to when i return to uni is seeing the throngs of overly-made up girls with super straight hair, permanant mandarin complexions and puffer jackets worn with grey skinny jeans, tucked into black leather boots.

it's easy to be just another clone - it's too easy. hopefully the year i turn 20 will be the year i finally set myself apart from the people who grate on my nerves so much, and not care.

ps: while we're on the topic of my birthday FEBRUARY 2ND i just want you all (all 2? of you) to know that dad relented and got me the stella mccartney jacket! will post pics asap.

procrastination queen

listening to: nothing, i'm at work and my ipod died. but my favourite song right now is 'gravity' by sara bareilles.

why hello friends... moments like these, i wonder if there is anybody out there in cyberspace actually reading this dribble, or am i alone? pfft, perhaps that's a good thing: then one day when i've FINALLY written a bestseller nobody will know about this awful little attempt at les bons mots - by the way, i am super sorry i haven't been keeping as up to date as i promised in only my last post! and it's not like i've even been busy.

right now, i am spending my tuesday night at work, my eyes slowly dying as i squint more and more at the computer. but fear not! as the hours i put in here will (fingers crossed) look very nice on my application for a fairfax media internship after i finish uni. and yes, as you can see, i am truly dedicated to my work... but i feel like it would be traitorous to plebs everywhere if i didn't take advantage of the fact that the southland times doesn't block ANY websites. so i spend pretty much all my time on perezhilton and style bubble. ahh, what a life. tonight obviously the main focus is on sir ed... i'm not going to blather on about him; there have already no doubt been far too many cliches bandied about. but to say that he was a great man, a hero to the ordinary joe bloggs, is all I can do. okay, done now. oh and there is someone in blackmount who is attempting to break a world record for shearing "full wool ewes". riveting!!

i don't really have much to say tonight; twas only signed into blogspot because i wanted to leave a comment on susie bubble's daily outfit site thingee. i wonder if she will browse my blog? if so - susie, i apologise! this is definitely not quite as cool as style bubble. (by the way, if there is anybody reading this who hasn't visited her site, do so now. stumbling across it was probably the greatest thing i have ever done online lol).

hmm what is happening with me? i got another fringe cut the other day. still not sure if it's really me. call me bourgeoise, but PEACHES GELDOF of all people has had a major impact on my daydreams of late. that rock and roll baby, devil-may-care attitude; the suitably messy blunt fringe; her outfits... i'll admit i'm intrigued. i wonder if people in the know think she's cool, or if it's just me.

the weather was pretty dreary today; not like the last few days. invercargill has really been turning on the awesome summer weather. dad said something yesterday bout how we've been having the best summer we've seen in yonks. i've been trying to be sunsmart, but the temptation to attempt a tan (futile, really, considering I inherited the irish genes of red hair and fair, freckley skin) has swept me up a little. so far, no tan. but a wee touch of pink does look slightly better than the pasty white i have been since last summer. to be fair i can kind of see a wee bit of tan in there. but perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

kim and i had our joint 20th birthday party the other day. she had a brilliant time, i on the other hand found it to be a complete waste of time. somehow her inviting half of the guys i've ever pashed - guys who never even texted me afterwards - was not my idea of a fun time. lets just say it was awkward and leave it at that. i'm sure you can imagine.. anyway, i just wasn't even in the mood to hit the clubs so i went home. but i'm planning a wee soiree with just the girls on my actual birthday (february 2nd in case you're interested) which i'm sure will be a lot more fun!! Not sure what I will wear yet; probably the same old uninventive thing. I wish I could get away with wearing something different, but i live in such a cliquey, judgemental little town that i never do. i'm just not that brave. maybe after i lose a bit of this extra padding, haha.

so, if i could, what would i wear? what a question - oh the possibilities! let's pretend i'm not held back by the constraints of insecurity nor money. oh, or my figure. if i could wear anything, what would it be? i'm probably not going to be described as a trailblazer; in fact i'm probably miles behind those deemed fashionable. something for me to ponder - i guess i'll get back to you.

ps: i promise to ACTUALLY get back to you this time.
xo

im back

listening to: 'charmer' - kings of leon

well, here i am. haven't written in months. i guess because writing what has happened in my life recently has been so daunting.

there is nothing i can really do to soften what i am about to say (as you can see by my amazingly poor sentence structure this is the first time i have written ANYTHING in a long long while). my life has been divided into before and after... on august 27, my mum had a heart attack and died.

so, things have changed pretty drastically. i withdrew from my papers at uni and moved back home to invercargill to be with my dad & renee. since august i've been struggling to work, clean, cook, look after everybody else, and keep my own head above water.

nothing i can write really sums up everything i feel or think; words are so inadequate. it goes without saying that i'm grieving so much. i truly think of her every single minute of every single day. even when i'm not thinking specifically about my mum, and how much i miss her, it's there in the back of my mind. i had never really understood how that phrase - the back of my mind - worked, but though it's so cliche and trite it really is possible to be thinking of something when your attention is focused towards an entirely different topic. it's always there.

i don't want this whole post to be about my mum, and everything i feel. i'll write my thoughts as i think them... i just thought i better mention what has been happening before i started in on anything else.

so. in other news.

when i was working at acc - it was just a temp job; i've finished there now - i would often get very very bored (the work was rather mind numbing after awhile) and began trolling websites for something to help me get through the sheer dullness of each day! i happened to stumble across some amazing blogs, which in turn have prompted me to get back here and write myself.

so please, bear with me if my posts are boring or whatever.... my writing is hardly on the same scale as other blogs out there, but i promise to work on it! at any rate i'll put on some links to some better blogs haha.

will probably post again later today or tomorrow... sometime soon anyway - as soon as i have an idea of what to write about.

alana.

ps. from now on, this blog is dedicated to my mum, mere anna kohuwai -- love you.

i just found this on another blog

and decided to share.

Thank You!
To those of you who laughed at me, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have cried.

To those of you who just couldn't love me, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have known real love.

To those of you who hurt my feelings, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have felt them.

To those of you who left me lonely, thank you.
Without you I wouldn't have discovered myself.

But it is to those of you who thought I couldn't do it;
It is you I thank the most,
Because without you I wouldn't have tried.
Author Unknown

entering the political arena..

listening to: 'writer's block' - just jack

this morning i joined young labour.

recently i have become more focused [slash concerned] with the world at large: not just my own insular one. i've found myself paying quite a bit of extra attention to politics, especially politics here in new zealand. next year is my very first opportunity to vote!! mega excited.

when i told my parents i had decided to join, i accidentally said national instead of labour... mum just about choked haha. oh how such slips of the tongue can turn into chaotic hilarity! the 3 of us laughed for seriously 10 minutes straight: what a joke! just imagine me voting for john key.

i'd rather see a government that at the end of the day is trying to do the best they can for all new zealanders than one that is looking to simply line the pockets of those who least need it, and then sell the country out to the bullies in the white house and canberra..

i'm quite looking forward to possibly becoming more active in it all: at the moment i've only registered, and am expecting an email from the dunedin branch soon. not sure if i will attend meetings etc straight away; in all honesty i don't have any specific knowledge of policy and would rather not sound like an uninformed cretin. will also be interesting to hear the views of people who actually share my ideologies for a change. i've been busy reading up on one of the links on the yl website [http://www.younglabour.org.nz/joomla/] to heads up, which briefly outlines all the policies of labour. but i'm not presumptuous enough at this stage to go to a meeting armed with an inadequate amount of information!

in other news, we have signed up for a flat for next year. i'm glad to get it all sorted even if it wasn't my first choice; unfortunately for me all the other ones seem to be snapped up already. fingers crossed i don't get stuck with a crappy room again!!

hmm what else do i have to report? still haven't made a start on my assignment. just not in the mood to focus at the moment. i don't know what else i can do to try and relax. i feel like my brain is going in 50 different directions at once.. i'm trying to stay out of the public eye for a wee bit so i don't lash out at anybody inappropriate, haha. attempting to breath deeply and all that jazz.

sometimes i wonder why i'm writing this as if anybody reads my blog. but i suppose that even writing to an imaginary audience is better than not writing at all. and at least it's thereapeutic; a form of expression i so desperately need, especially right now.

is this deja vu or what?

listening to: 'hate on me' - jill scott

pardon me, what am i missing here? have i done something wrong??

people lament all of society's woes all the time. but what right do you have to do that when you do nothing about it when witnessing it firsthand? i REFUSE [note the double emphasis there] to be that person.

ultimately, we are all products of our parents. this year i have really thought about that a lot, and for the first time i realised it's true. being the daughter of two [relatively] liberal people, who are both able to articulate their opinions, i guess it was bound to happen. especially considering i seem to have inherited mum's emotional, stubborn side. which is a fault, i know. but at the end of the day, i am opinionated about doing the right thing - i have a social conscience. and i'm glad i have the knowledge that my parents are incredibly proud of that aspect of my personality, as was reiterated to me again today. and i'm glad i have that instilled in me. i won't ever change, because there has to be people who do care about what happens to people other than themselves. otherwise how bad would the world get? it's bad enough already.

i'm glad i'm not a complete fuckup: maybe sometimes i don't always do the right thing, and sometimes i'm bound to be wrong. but such a substantial part of myself is my belief in helping others, not just yourself. i know that on the surface i can appear to be pretty shallow, and i'm not even saying i'm this superhuman with a heart of gold. but i think i have a fairly good sense of right or wrong, and i'm also opinionated enough to voice it. i am not the kind of person who would sit back and watch somebody who is unable to stand up for themselves: if you can't stand up for yourself, people who can do it should.

this is just the same shit different day. there's nothing more that i, or anybody else - other than the two of them - can do about it. but for fucks sake, reality check time!!! everybody has days when they feel pretty low and down on themselves: but you should always know that you are worth more than that; and that behaviour like that is not normal or acceptable. although apparently to some people it is. and not just the people who do it: the people who accept it as well. is it because she thinks he doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him? just because they get back together every single time... that's not proof that he cares.

nobody likes to be alone. far out, reading over my last few entries that is certainly apparent! but would you not rather be alone, than be with someone who crushes what little self esteem you may have left? what kind of love is that? nothing is worth putting up with that. all these weak justifications that we heard last night... i had started crying as soon as we got to the bottom of the driveway, and didn't stop until balclutha. i can't handle even being there at the moment.

i know sometimes i am hyper emotional. i know sometimes i am not rational or logical. i know sometimes i am wrong. i know sometimes i make mistakes. i know sometimes people have to learn things themselves. but i also know that if the roles were reversed, my friend would do the same for me as i am trying to do for her now. because she is a good friend. and i'm trying to be.

raging ginger

listening to: 'the queen & i' - gym class heroes

so.freaking.angry.

the audacity of some people boggles my mind sometimes. i was terrified last night; so scared i couldn't even move to get up and lock my bedroom door.

but then it turned into pure unadulterated rage!!

gingrrrrrrr.

this shit is

B.A.N.A.N.A.S!!!!

i just realised my last 3 posts have been about tv shows. how depressing!! i haven't even watched a crapload of television lately; i've been doing my freaking lab report all night [till i finished; then i devoured the new season hills on www.mtv.com]


brainwashed much? i need to find a man so i go to bed early for sexy times instead of watching mindless dribble!!

why carrie bradshaw rocks my world

listening to: 'gold dust woman' - fleetwood mac

another day that ends in me feeling frustrated, annoyed, irritated...
it's all these little petty things, which if it was somebody else wouldn't bother me at all. but i'm sick sick sick of dealing with this bullshit. people need to get real, grow a backbone, and stand up for themselves. and other people need to stop being so manipulative and sketchy.

what i wonder is, how people can let themselves be treated so badly. i can understand caring about somebody so much that you are scared of losing them, or not wanting to interfere if you see something happening to other people, but the fact is if you don't stand up for yourself, who will? part of being a valuable human being is having opinions, and another part of being a valuable human being is treating other people well. people who take pleasure in seeing other people suffer are certainly not people i have any time for.

as much as im over being single right now, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of the guys from my past. what is the point of being in a hurtful relationship? the way they have all eventually treated me just shows me that they aren't worth my time. there have been times when i thought i had met the right one, but in the end their true colours came out in full force - and they turned out to be just another retard. wherever the right guy for me is, i wouldn't find him if i was with one of the losers from earlier times. holding onto the wrong person just means missing the right one.

in other news, my exam timetable for this semester came out today. i have coms201 - theory of communication studies - on oct. 24; coms206 - history of media - on oct. 25; psyc112 - human thought & behaviour - on oct. 29. can you tell i'm super excited? i'm already waaay behind in my readings, therefore should definitely not be wasting my time blogging. but at this stage, there is nobody i can really talk to completely. there are too many little nuances in my personality that i regret showing to anybody, even if it was only one person. i guess these i am never really wholly honest with anybody other than myself. i guess i'm not even wholly honest in this blog. but it takes the edge of a bit.

i wonder what makes us feel completely comfortable with somebody? how do you know you've reached that point with someone? where even prolonged silence is a cozy place to be. you don't have to worry anymore about the reaction what you say will get, or if you do you know it won't change or effect anything too much. when do you get to a point when opening up is just some intrinsically natural thing to do? thus brings me to my chosen topic for todays blog: it reminds me of my most favourite satc quote:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous".

And that, friends, romans, countrymen, is why carrie is the gospel.

ps: i bought those yellow heels i was talking about. cos, as carrie so wisely says, sometimes it's hard to walk in a woman's shoes - which is why we need super special ones sometimes. she really is one heck of a chick: bring on satc the movie 2008!

blast from the past

listening to - 'you made a fool of me': india.arie

how tragic is it that i know [well, could count] exactly how long it has been since i've been without? i get so frustrated with myself, but during that time i haven't learned how to switch anything off. maybe the feelings aren't as intense anymore, but the slightest contact with him can make my stomach drop. even seeing his stupid car anywhere: it just reminds me of the time when it was parked outside my house, every weekend without fail. and a conversation like the one we just had can leave me questioning the past, the present, the future.

our conversations are either one of two genres - 1: pretending/trying to be civil; or 2: fraught with anger and accusations. tonight's was the former. eventually the conversation veered towards our feelings about our past relationship.

i know this may seem to some as merely the ramblings of a spoiled, clingy ex girlfriend: but then i would ask you if you have ever truly been in this situation? where you have given so much of yourself to somebody else, where you have felt so safe and loved and content. and then to have it taken away abruptly. i didn't use the term love lightly, and i never will. i meant it every single time it left my lips. so where do these feelings go? especially if you find yourself unable to achieve that feeling with anybody else? or maybe you just don't let yourself. trust me, you can't judge me any more than i judge myself. and at least i know how this truly feels.

anyway. the conversation suddenly became me telling him that, despite the fact that we were so young at the time, i didn't appreciate him insinuating it didn't count. it lasted too long, and was too intense and involved, for it not to be counted. any relationship where you fall asleep on the phone together is no normal relationship, haha. in my book that counts! i pointed out that, knowing me the way he did, he should have realised that it would always mean something to me. and it always will. i'm the most romantic, sentimental, gooey person i know. try as i might since my brush with love ended, i can't get rid of that facet of my personality. i'm definitely not as naive anymore. but i will always be a romantic. and for me to know that our relationship, my first and only relationship, ended that badly was hard enough to deal with; for him to say something to the effect that it in retrospect it didn't matter to him was pretty shattering.

and then we talked a bit - a lot - more; with him saying he did care. when i told him it seemed like he didn't care much he said the reality was far from that. which to be honest was incredibly relieving to hear - sometimes the thought that he was maybe, lying alone at night, reminiscing fondly... sometimes that was all i could think of to reassure myself. the hurt that i felt and still occasionally feel is so crippling. i've learned to deal with it a lot better since then. no more stays in the hospital for me. the period of our demise was the hardest time i have ever had to go through, and not simply because of our breakup. the things i was dealing with at home were most definitely taking their toll on me, and to suddenly not have anybody there to help me get through all of that left me so alone.

i know we have both grown up, changed, tried to forget as much as possible. but even thinking now that there was a possibility none of it had meant anything to him i'm close to tears. it meant so much to me. too much, undoubtedly. but the way it ended has no effect on how i ultimately feel.

i wish i had been as lucky as him. i've never been able to find that kind of closeness and ensuing happiness again. still, i'm only 19, so no doubt i will eventually. but at this stage it kind of limits how "over it" i can get. i made the most of my singledom in my last year of high school. to be honest i kind of took that too far. skanking round is not what i'm looking for anymore. but it was what i needed at the time.

i feel so pathetic and lame. like honestly. it has been a very, very long time. but it was such a definitive part of my adolescence. hopefully my twenties will bring about a change. i'll be able to leave those definitions behind. and thankfully this epoch will be one in which i'm not as naive, lessons learned etcetera.