nothing fits

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.

For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures

and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.

- Francis Bacon

for the first time in a long time

listening to: 'grace is gone' - dave matthews band

sorry i haven't been keeping up with the posts in awhile. i have had so much work to do for uni that i've barely had time to browse blogs myself, let alone actually write one. although to be honest part of my lack of writing is because i am still on a bit of a downbuzz, and didn't really want to bore you further.

i don't have too much to write about, except i wanted to post some pictures of my new guess clutch! a dear dear friend of my mum's was here in dunedin last weekend for her son's basketball tournament, and she took me out to lunch. it was lovely to see her - it was nice to be able to talk to somebody about mum. i'm missing her so much. all i want is to be able to just ring her and tell her how shitty my days have been lately. i feel so alone up here. i've basically been sitting alone in my room at random intervals listening to a playlist i made on my ipod, crying and staring at the last birthday card mum ever gave me.

but back to my story. rosey and i had lunch at a wee cafe and then had a bit of a browse in some shops. we were in andrea biani, and she was choosing a new handbag to buy for herself - just to interrupt: lipstick red, beautiful hand-tooled embossed leather. it's soo soft, and basically i was drooling - when i happened to mention how pretty i thought this silver clutch was. i was browsing through the shoes while rosey was paying for her bag, and when she turned around she had bought me the purse! i didn't know what to say... on one hand i feel super awful, because it was $65! but on the other, i wasn't going to turn down a guess clutch lol.

so here's a snap... hope you love it as much as i do!! sorry my photography skillz are below par; way below par. it's next to my balenciaga motorcycle bag, which i got online. therefore i'm not sure of it's authenticity... but i loved it anyway! i broke the zip tho :(

20: not off to a good start

listening to: 'new soul ' - yael naïm

last night was pretty much awful... i think i really need to talk to someone objective, because i don't talk to anyone and then everything i bottle up just comes out when i'm drunk and i make a big mess of things. dad asked me once if i wanted to talk to a grief counsellor but i kind of just brushed it aside and we haven't mentioned it again. but i think it's gotten a bit out of hand; i don't want to keep taking the way i feel out on my friends. it must be pretty bad if i can't even enjoy myself with them anymore, but lately i've been having crappy nights more than i've been having good nights.

this is a bit of a downer really! will post again later tonight... right now i can't even think of anything remotely interesting to say.

goodbye childhood...

listening to: '18 till i die' - bryan adams

ok so i'm not 18 anymore... and i'm almost not 19 anymore. 4 more minutes and i'll enter a different age bracket.

so depressed right now!

birthday birthday birthday!!

listening to: 'chasing pavements' - adele

no it's not my birthday yet, but it's getting close! only a week to go. so this is my very last week of being a teenager.

i'm pretty much terrified of turning 20; quarter-life crisis much? just thinking about it makes my stomache feel hollow. i think i'm suffering from a case of peter pan syndrome... and as the big 2-0 draws ever nearer i'm getting more and more anxious. does this mean i have to grow up now? be responsible? stop laughing at the word uranus?

the christmas of 2006 was my first 'grownup' christmas. instead of fun stuff, like a pink bike with streamers on the handlebars or even a pink cellphone, i got a new duvet. sheets. towels. an electric jug. etc. ok whatever, i needed them in preparation for my first year of flatting (blah blah blaaaaaaaaah), but Yawn. note the capital Y. so, the christmas of 2006 was kind of a wakeup call for me. all my life, i've been the kind of person who has been all "i can't wait for when...". when i was 10 i couldn't wait to be 13. when i was 13 i couldn't wait to be 16. when i was 16 i couldn't wait to be 18. but it's all been downhill from there folks! impending adulthood is drawing ever so close.

but since some of my girlfriends gave me a copy of the secret at my joint birthday bash with kim, i'm trying to be positive about entering my 20s. it means i'm closer to finishing uni and actually getting a job; in turn i'm closer to being able to buy all the clothes that have been out of my broke student reach.

i'm also hoping that i can at least start TRYING to leave behind the whole sheep mentality that seems to mark adolescence: maybe now i will have more confidence in myself as a person, and will focus more on being who i really am rather than being one of the crowd.

one thing i have noticed about university is the whole clique thing. i thought we all left that behind in high school, but apparently not. the only thing im not looking forward to when i return to uni is seeing the throngs of overly-made up girls with super straight hair, permanant mandarin complexions and puffer jackets worn with grey skinny jeans, tucked into black leather boots.

it's easy to be just another clone - it's too easy. hopefully the year i turn 20 will be the year i finally set myself apart from the people who grate on my nerves so much, and not care.

ps: while we're on the topic of my birthday FEBRUARY 2ND i just want you all (all 2? of you) to know that dad relented and got me the stella mccartney jacket! will post pics asap.

is this deja vu or what?

listening to: 'hate on me' - jill scott

pardon me, what am i missing here? have i done something wrong??

people lament all of society's woes all the time. but what right do you have to do that when you do nothing about it when witnessing it firsthand? i REFUSE [note the double emphasis there] to be that person.

ultimately, we are all products of our parents. this year i have really thought about that a lot, and for the first time i realised it's true. being the daughter of two [relatively] liberal people, who are both able to articulate their opinions, i guess it was bound to happen. especially considering i seem to have inherited mum's emotional, stubborn side. which is a fault, i know. but at the end of the day, i am opinionated about doing the right thing - i have a social conscience. and i'm glad i have the knowledge that my parents are incredibly proud of that aspect of my personality, as was reiterated to me again today. and i'm glad i have that instilled in me. i won't ever change, because there has to be people who do care about what happens to people other than themselves. otherwise how bad would the world get? it's bad enough already.

i'm glad i'm not a complete fuckup: maybe sometimes i don't always do the right thing, and sometimes i'm bound to be wrong. but such a substantial part of myself is my belief in helping others, not just yourself. i know that on the surface i can appear to be pretty shallow, and i'm not even saying i'm this superhuman with a heart of gold. but i think i have a fairly good sense of right or wrong, and i'm also opinionated enough to voice it. i am not the kind of person who would sit back and watch somebody who is unable to stand up for themselves: if you can't stand up for yourself, people who can do it should.

this is just the same shit different day. there's nothing more that i, or anybody else - other than the two of them - can do about it. but for fucks sake, reality check time!!! everybody has days when they feel pretty low and down on themselves: but you should always know that you are worth more than that; and that behaviour like that is not normal or acceptable. although apparently to some people it is. and not just the people who do it: the people who accept it as well. is it because she thinks he doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him? just because they get back together every single time... that's not proof that he cares.

nobody likes to be alone. far out, reading over my last few entries that is certainly apparent! but would you not rather be alone, than be with someone who crushes what little self esteem you may have left? what kind of love is that? nothing is worth putting up with that. all these weak justifications that we heard last night... i had started crying as soon as we got to the bottom of the driveway, and didn't stop until balclutha. i can't handle even being there at the moment.

i know sometimes i am hyper emotional. i know sometimes i am not rational or logical. i know sometimes i am wrong. i know sometimes i make mistakes. i know sometimes people have to learn things themselves. but i also know that if the roles were reversed, my friend would do the same for me as i am trying to do for her now. because she is a good friend. and i'm trying to be.

lonesome tonight

listening to: 'the promise' - tracy chapman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISSTz1xxdRw

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me and say you'll hold

A place for me in your heart.

sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. but really what i'm saying is, it's always there. i have just learned how to hide it sometimes. but the unfortunate part of that wee deal is this: you can't hide from yourself. you can't pretend to be one thing when you know you're not really. facades are facades because there is always at least one person who knows the truth.

it isn't that i am longing for one person specifically, although the time with him was when i've been at my truly happiest. if that's even a correct, gramatically or otherwise, phrase. but i knew - correction: thought i knew - i had someone there to talk to, whether the conversation was mundane or soulsearching. i haven't reached a point yet where i'm comfortable soulsearching on my own. but perhaps that is the point: maybe i have some work to do before i can meet someone who makes me feel like i used to.

i'm so sick of being the lonely one. sooo sick of it. why are the people who don't care about love [etc] the ones who have it? why can't i have someone to talk to? my friends are fantastic. but the thing with all of them is, they all have someone who they can claim as their "significant other". but who am i significant to??

i'm tired of going to bed at night, lying there alone, wishing i had somebody to talk to... and i'm tres tired of crying over something as stupid as this dumb blog.

raging ginger

listening to: 'the queen & i' - gym class heroes

so.freaking.angry.

the audacity of some people boggles my mind sometimes. i was terrified last night; so scared i couldn't even move to get up and lock my bedroom door.

but then it turned into pure unadulterated rage!!

gingrrrrrrr.

is it just me...

listening to: 'little razorblade' - the pink spiders

or do you ever catch yourself inwardly nodding as you watch tv, listen to a song...

i guess it's because there are only a limited amount of emotions we can feel. jealousy, despair, happiness, grief, contentedness, suspicion[whatever else i've missed. obviously this isn't an exhaustive list of emotions people!!] . i think sometimes easier to relate to an experience or feeling expressed by somebody else than it is to feel completely alone and misunderstood.

i've just watched the first 2 episodes of the hills - season 3. actually, i'm waiting for the last half of the 2nd episode to load. pop culture rocks my damned socks. team L.C bitch! ANYWAY the point i would like to make is this: lauren & lo are talking right, and they are saying something about how there always seems to be this one guy who you keep going back to, no matter how bad they have treated you in the past and so forth. and then lc said something that really resonated with me: that every girl wants to be the girl who changes that one guy's wicked ways. lc says everyone can change, as long as the right person comes along; and every girl wants to be the one girl that can do that.

i immediately thought of my own version of that guy. since b. and i broke up, i've gotten with this guy more times than i can count. well okay so that's extreme hyperbole; but it hasn't been just a one night thing. he txtd me again the other day, which tbh was the first time in awhile. and i realised that whenever i think of him, i kind of drift off into a daydream about being that girl. the one that he would wanna change for. it kind of sounds like he's changed, or at least trying to, but the thing is it hasn't been for me - he's living with his girlfriend!! so why is he still texting me? i don't know if he can change.. and it's like lo said to lauren: why do girls look for a guy to change? why don't they wanna be with the guy who is good already?

and i agree with what lc said back to that: that's too easy.

but then i wonder if that really is true. because i'm finding it pretty freaking hard to find one who is GOOD. i'm done with all the a-holes of the world! i feel like i've met a substantial portion of them. i definitely feel like i've had my fair share of bad guys, and that it's time for some good times.. so is finding the right guy as hard as i think? or is there some part of me that overlooks the right guy and instead chooses the one who i subconsciously know is not going to change for me? can i just never be the girl that changes him? am i not good enough, do i not have that talent? i once read somewhere, where [a male, of course] wrote that there are two types of girls: girls made to marry and girls made for fun. imagine if i was destined to be the latter, for the rest of my life. imagine if i never fall in love again. i'm in love with love; but what if that's all i get to be in love with?

why carrie bradshaw rocks my world

listening to: 'gold dust woman' - fleetwood mac

another day that ends in me feeling frustrated, annoyed, irritated...
it's all these little petty things, which if it was somebody else wouldn't bother me at all. but i'm sick sick sick of dealing with this bullshit. people need to get real, grow a backbone, and stand up for themselves. and other people need to stop being so manipulative and sketchy.

what i wonder is, how people can let themselves be treated so badly. i can understand caring about somebody so much that you are scared of losing them, or not wanting to interfere if you see something happening to other people, but the fact is if you don't stand up for yourself, who will? part of being a valuable human being is having opinions, and another part of being a valuable human being is treating other people well. people who take pleasure in seeing other people suffer are certainly not people i have any time for.

as much as im over being single right now, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of the guys from my past. what is the point of being in a hurtful relationship? the way they have all eventually treated me just shows me that they aren't worth my time. there have been times when i thought i had met the right one, but in the end their true colours came out in full force - and they turned out to be just another retard. wherever the right guy for me is, i wouldn't find him if i was with one of the losers from earlier times. holding onto the wrong person just means missing the right one.

in other news, my exam timetable for this semester came out today. i have coms201 - theory of communication studies - on oct. 24; coms206 - history of media - on oct. 25; psyc112 - human thought & behaviour - on oct. 29. can you tell i'm super excited? i'm already waaay behind in my readings, therefore should definitely not be wasting my time blogging. but at this stage, there is nobody i can really talk to completely. there are too many little nuances in my personality that i regret showing to anybody, even if it was only one person. i guess these i am never really wholly honest with anybody other than myself. i guess i'm not even wholly honest in this blog. but it takes the edge of a bit.

i wonder what makes us feel completely comfortable with somebody? how do you know you've reached that point with someone? where even prolonged silence is a cozy place to be. you don't have to worry anymore about the reaction what you say will get, or if you do you know it won't change or effect anything too much. when do you get to a point when opening up is just some intrinsically natural thing to do? thus brings me to my chosen topic for todays blog: it reminds me of my most favourite satc quote:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous".

And that, friends, romans, countrymen, is why carrie is the gospel.

ps: i bought those yellow heels i was talking about. cos, as carrie so wisely says, sometimes it's hard to walk in a woman's shoes - which is why we need super special ones sometimes. she really is one heck of a chick: bring on satc the movie 2008!